


no more wandering back and forth

by cuppydogcity



Series: it's a walk-along day [2]
Category: Half-Life
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Found Family, Lizards Are Mentioned, M/M, Post-Canon, Selectively Mute Gordon Freeman, Trauma, black mesa, everyone embarrasses everyone else with stories asmr, half life 2 spoilers, takes place at a nebulous time after half life 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:46:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25695253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuppydogcity/pseuds/cuppydogcity
Summary: Alyx sat up in bed. Her limbs were heavy, and her back screamed in protest to every movement she made, no matter how minute. Every part of her was tired from the past, well.. As long as she could remember. Having the opportunity to finally relax and lie down, not having to make sure she could wake up and start shooting at a moment’s notice was almost unnatural to her.She knew she was just being dumb about this. Really, she had everything she needed to have a long sleep; physical exhaustion, a comfortable bed, clean clothes, relative safety...There was just one problem.She can’t sleep, no matter how hard she tries.~~~Alyx can't sleep, and finds comfort in being around other people.
Relationships: Alyx Vance & Eli Vance, Barney Calhoun & Alyx Vance, Barney Calhoun/Gordon Freeman, Gordon Freeman & Alyx Vance, Isaac Kleiner & Alyx Vance, Isaac Kleiner & Eli Vance
Series: it's a walk-along day [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1856044
Comments: 30
Kudos: 133





	no more wandering back and forth

**Author's Note:**

> hello!! i really like alyx and i want her to have nice things..  
> this was originally going to be more emotional? but instead of making it about that side of grief, i decided to make it about one thing that actually helped when my own dad died; spending time with people who are going through the same thing and sharing fond memories.
> 
> anyway, i hope this hasn't been too long, and i really hope you enjoy!! <3
> 
> (also anyone who spots the one hlvrai reference im putting in this series gets a kiss on the forehead)
> 
> october 17 update: i changed some wording and i made it flow better :-)

Alyx sat up in bed.

Even a simple action like that took a considerable amount of willpower - her limbs were heavy as if her bones had been replaced with concrete, and her back protested every movement she made, no matter how minute. Every part of her was tired from the past, well.. Lifetime, really.

Having the opportunity to finally relax and lie down, and actually be able to stay lying down was something of a novelty to her. She had managed to convince herself to leave her gun on the bedside table, away from its usual place nearer her pillow, but even that was testing her limits.

The few Combine forces had largely given up now, after the last push with Gordon and a team of their best fighters. It had been an incredibly treacherous time, even by her standards. There was hardly a night where she wasn’t awoken suddenly by some unforeseen creatures launching a surprise attack when they were most vulnerable.

  
A light flashed outside, and she grabbed her gun before her conscious brain recognized that it was someone, presumably heavily drunk, throwing up by flashlight. A sigh escaped her - she knew she was just being dumb about this. Really, she had everything she needed to have a nice, long sleep; physical exhaustion, a comfortable bed, clean clothes, relative safety...

There was just one problem.

_ She can’t sleep _ , no matter how hard she tries.

Every groan of the metal pipes overhead was a Hunter that they had missed, coming to tear holes in their defenses, kill everyone in the building, and lay everything they had worked on to ruin. (The jagged scar on her stomach aches all over again whenever she thinks too hard about them.)

Every footstep echoing in the hallway was a Combine squadron, making one last-ditch attempt at victory.

Every too-long shadow was some unknown terror, already in her room, about to make the kill.

She traces her finger over the grip on her gun, noting all the scars and indents.

The metal was cool under her fingertips; the difference in temperature helped ground her.

Her father would scold her if he knew that she was keeping a gun, a loaded one nonetheless, so close to her head while she slept, but, well..

She resolutely tries not to let the reminder of her father bother her, even as she feels the tendrils of grief gnaw at her heart.

She takes a deep breath - another headache from dehydration is the last thing she needs right now. Even worse, she didn’t want to have to see those pitying looks from random passersby.

The hem of her jacket was soft and familiar under her fingertips as she wrapped it around herself. The old leather smelled comforting, and the gentle weight of the garment felt secure and warm over the thin linen of the White Forest-supplied pyjamas.

She pulled on her shoes, and stepped outside, into the echoing halls. The lights had been partially turned off, but she could see some spilling under the cracks of various doorways.

The buzz of excitement and good mood traveled to her from everywhere, carried by cheers and words that the concrete halls transformed into vague syllables.

Alyx tried to find comfort in it; with so many people around, if there were any Combine forces lurking, they would surely be spotted and dealt with before they caused any huge issues.

The anxiety in her gut remains.

Her heart pounds heavily, and her hands start to sweat.

Something that had been drilled deep into her the importance of not making loud, unnecessary noises, especially in a place she knew had been attacked before. 

She can vaguely remember the mute terror gripping her when she saw her first headcrab victim, knowing there was literally nothing she could do to help, only try to calm herself down and resist her urge to scream at the unnatural sight.

Talking had always calmed her nerves when she was scared, sure, but there was a world of difference between the gentle voice of someone she knows and trusts, and a celebration so loud she could hear it across hundreds of yards.

On the concrete flooring, her boots make a pleasant clacking noise when she walks. She tries to calm herself by matching her breathing with the rhythm.

She rubs the hem of her jacket between her fingers - it had always been able to provide some feeling of comfort and security.

It had been her father’s, once, and it was now her most prized possession, the one thing (apart from a weapon) she was sure to take with her everywhere. The years of skin oils had worn the leather into something incredibly soft. It’s something that she's had all of her life, and she can’t imagine leaving somewhere without it. When she saw the holes left by the Hunter attack, saw it bloody and scratched, it had almost hurt almost as much as her physical wounds.

The sound of her boots had changed slightly - the acoustics here were different. Now that she’s paying attention, the other people she had been so tetchy about not five minutes ago were almost inaudible, now.

She had stayed in the White Forest for a few weeks, but its labyrinthine design made it far too easy to get lost or turned around.

Alyx was about to try and find a map (there were always some posted on the walls for the newer refugees, and for people who were just bad with directions) when she heard a familiar voice.

She strained her ears and turned her head around slightly, trying to find the source.

A small entrance was lit up with a yellow light - that must be it.

Alyx quietly entered the room it was coming from, to find Gordon and Barney, chatting softly, in a small break room with a kitchenette.

Gordon was sitting at the small table, clutching a mug of something steaming (coffee, or maybe just really weird hot chocolate, judging by the smell), while Barney was leaning on the counter.

They were both wearing the same plain linen pyjamas as her, though theirs looked slightly less rumpled. Gordon’s glasses were so smudged that she noticed it from here, and they both looked unshaved and deeply tired.

Gordon looked up - startled and on guard at first, but he visibly eased when he recognized her. Barney followed his gaze, and smiled at Alyx, his eyebrows quirked slightly in question.

“Couldn’t sleep.” She said simply by way of an answer, her voice gone slightly raspy with unuse.

She sat down on the threadbare sofa, rubbing a few errant threads between her fingertips.

Barney and Gordon were both smart, and experienced with combat. If she were to pick any two people to fight alongside, it would be them. She and Gordon already had plenty of experience looking out while the other slept. Just being around them already calmed her nerves. If there was a sudden attack, at least she would have competent backup.

“You’re in luck, we just found the coffee stash. Want a cup?” Barney asked. Ah, so it  _ was  _ coffee.

Alyx snorted. “Don’t tell Johnson you found some without telling him, he’ll put you on cleaning duty again.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me.”

Barney procured a mug and put a spoonful of instant coffee into it. He put a spoonful of honey into it, too - it’s not as common as just sugar, but it’s how Alyx would always ask for her coffee.

Alyx’s face softened as she recognized the mug - it was the one she’d always ask for when she was younger. Barney must have saved it. The thought of such a fragile thing still surviving makes her smile a little, no matter how chipped it might be.

It had a little painting of Dog on it; his earliest form, when he was still a round little prototype, before his AI had been finished or his purpose had been decided.

“I remember painting that  _ way  _ back when, like, even before the Combine. I was so proud of it; Dad would bring it into his lab with him all the time and I was  _ convinced  _ I was gonna be a famous artist when I grew up. It’s one of the only things about Black Mesa I remember.”

She must’ve been what, four? Black Mesa had hosted a sudden ‘Bring-Your-Daughter-In-To-Work’ day that had featured an arts-and-crafts table, decked out with paints, markers, mugs, and various science-themed colouring pages. Now that she has more context as to what Black Mesa was like at the time, she’s not sure it was so much about ‘promoting family bonding and improving morale’ as it was an excuse to get everyone out of their dorms so they could legally start spraying cockroach killer.

Her mom had painted a lovely flower on her mug, and her dad had drawn the three of them together on the back of a colouring sheet in green marker. She remembers it as being almost photorealistic, though it’s long since been lost somewhere.

Hers was the only thing that had survived - she and it were almost inseparable when her dad wasn’t using it, and she vaguely remembers holding onto it for safety when the first tremors after the incident had started.

“I remember that day all too well,” Barney shuddered, “I tripped and fell backwards onto the paints table as I was helping to clean up and I got made fun of by that new guy, Boper? For  _ months _ . Hey, Gordy, you stop that, I’m trying to tell a story.” He swatted vaguely at Gordon, who was laughing intensely; Gordon’s shoulders trembled furiously and his eyes crinkled at the corners. He took a deep breath and took a sip of his coffee, taking caution not to choke on it from errant laughs.

Barney paused to hand Alyx her coffee, which she immediately sipped at. It slightly burnt her lips and stung the roof of her mouth, but it still tasted wonderful. Barney was always talented at cooking, she was hardly surprised it extended even to instant coffee. Some people just have that talent, y’know?

“Anyway, that’s not even the worst part. You know how Black Mesa has all these weird departments for who knows what? Apparently they were making those paints, too, cause screw paying for  _ anything _ , right? Musta been a bad batch or something, ‘cause those damned things  _ soaked through my pants _ and stained my legs for over a week! Every day in the changing room someone asked me if I got beaten up. In the end I started saying yes and making up weird details to go with it.” He shook his head fondly. “I’m just surprised I didn’t get called out on it.”

Barney took a long sip of his coffee, waving at whoever had just walked in through the door.

“Are we sharing stories, now? Goodness, I have a few.” It was Kleiner, and he plopped down on the sofa next to Alyx.

He was holding Lamarr, (when Alyx had asked Gordon how she got back, he just gave a defeated shrug. It’s best not to question these things.) and his tie was undone around his neck. His button-up shirt was stained, slightly, and one of the buttons had popped off. Alyx gave Lamarr a pet, which garnered a pleased chitter.

Barney had always hated Lamarr, but, in her opinion? She was kinda cute. For a headcrab, that is. She had never killed anyone, which already put her a fair bit higher than most other headcrabs.

She kinda reminded her of her pet Snark she had a few years ago.

“Gordon, do you remember that time you got stuck in the vents?” Kleiner led with, immediately.

  
Alyx almost choked on her coffee. “What? That happened?” she asked, incredulously. Barney had a similar reaction. It was clearly a tightly-held secret, one that she was eager to hear all about.

Gordon narrowed his eyes at Kleiner. “No comment.” he signed. He took a deliberate sip of coffee.

“I remember it fondly.” Kleiner said, and turned to Alyx and Barney. “You see, before Lamarr here, I had captured a small Whiptail lizard and had kept him in a little terrarium on my desk. His name was Galvani, and he hated me dearly, the little wretch.”

Barney snapped his fingers, “I remember that sucker! He bit me a couple times.” he said, and held out his index finger proudly, as if the marks would still be there..

“I have no doubts about that. Well, one day, he had decided he’d had quite enough of being peered at all day, and made a break for it. I still have questions over  _ how _ , but I remember Gordon leaping up and sprinting faster than I’d ever seen him run before. Which was saying something - you know, our Gordon here had won first place in the 100 meter sprint for two years in a row back in the Black Mesa decathlon days.”

Gordon was bright pink now, his face buried his hands.

“Before I could even think, our  _ hero  _ here had pulled off the grate cover, which I did not know he did until then. He ducked in, crawling faster than I thought possible. I followed the thudding a few rooms over, until it came to a stop. Galvani had dropped through another grate in the vent, and I managed to capture him. I realized then that there was no way Gordon could follow. You see, Galvani had dropped through a small slit in the vent.” he paused dramatically. For someone who proclaimed he didn’t know much about public speaking, he sure knew how to draw in a crowd.

“Well? Go on, Kleiner, what happened next?” Alyx egged on.

Gordon’s face was on the table, coffee ignored. From what Alyx could see, his ears were a vivid shade of red.

“I didn’t hear Gordon moving to leave, but I didn’t think much of it. I opened the door, when I heard him knocking on the grate.

I called out to him - ‘Gordon? Are you alright?’, I said.

He just knocked again. I went over to it, and saw his face, bright pink, looking awfully similar to right now. I could hardly make out his signs at first, but I soon figured out he was saying ‘Help. I’m stuck.’. I had to run and get Eli, and together, we had to try and unscrew the grate and put it back before Magnusson rounded the corner and caught us all.”

Kleiner laughed heartily. “My, I do miss that. I came in the next day and put a little piece of paper on the vent that told anyone reading that it wasn’t safe for people to go through.”

The room was filled with loud, whooping laughter. Even Gordon joined in - the table was wobbling violently from the force of it, coffee sloshing dangerously close to the lip of his cup.

Barney leaned over and gave Gordon a sympathetic shoulder pat. “I still love you, even if you get stuck in vents.”

Alyx’s gut hurt from laughing. Tears pricked at the corner of her eyes, picturing it happening.

She tried to start her sentence, but laughter choked her words into high-pitched wheezes. She took a deep breath, “That reminds me of the time Barney got stuck in a headcrab rocket trying t--”

“You said you wouldn’t tell anyone!!” He exclaimed in betrayal.

“Oh, come on. Are you just gonna let Gordon suffer alone?” she said.

“No, I agree with dear Alyx, here. Some stories are too valuable to be locked away forever, Barney.” Kleiner said lightly, his glasses glinting mischievously.

Barney groaned and sat down across from Gordon, but didn’t raise any further objections.

“It was really old-looking, and he was trying to see if the rocket had any loose parts we could use, so he looked in, while I kept watch. I thought I saw something, so I stood up, but it was just Dad telling us he’d scouted ahead, and it was clear. Anyway, Barney had heard my footsteps, and,” her voice starts to break with laughter again, watching Barney react to the story. His face contorted, torn between laughing along and cringing at what was to come.

Gordon was upright again, now only a little red, and was trying to gulp down the rest of his coffee in between laughs. He placed one of his hands over Barney’s, a sign of solidarity.

“And, Barney must’ve thought it was me getting ready to defend us from some Combine attacker, so he tries to get up, but he slips, and  _ BAM! _   
He falls halfway into the rocket, his legs kicking, his head and arms trapped inside. And let me tell you, he was  _ lodged in there _ .   
Me, my dad, and another guy had to grab his legs and try to yank him out. He came out, eventually, of course, but it took a solid minute! Every time in the future we saw another headcrab rocket, I jokingly asked if I should grease it up just in case he falls in again.”

Everyone roared with laughter again, and Barney muttered some weak justifications, though he stifled a laugh.

Alyx’s face hurt from grinning, and she finished off the rest of her drink. Coffee had always had the opposite effect on her, instead making her  _ more  _ tired, and now wasn’t an exception. She yawned dangerously.

Barney started up another story, eager to change the subject. Alyx propped up her head in one hand, and closed her eyes, telling herself it was to visualize the story better.

Barney’s voice was steady but full of laughter, and she could vaguely hear Kleiner laughing and adding additional commentary. She felt her breathing start to slow, and..

She woke up about a half an hour later, to a particularly loud bout of laughter. She opened her eyes slowly, reveling in the warm, light atmosphere of the room. She felt cozy and comfortable, though her neck and limbs were slightly stiff from disuse.

Gordon was signing something, though his hands shook with laughter. She could pick out various signs, including the sign for her father’s name. Trying to piece the signs together without context, Alyx gathered that apparently her dad had once chewed on his pen and it had spurted ink both into Gordon’s coffee, and all over the math he was working on.

Kleiner jutted in some additional details here and there, to which Gordon would nod furiously and continue signing.

She exhaled out sleepy, lazy laughter. She missed her father so much, but the pain was accompanied with a deep, fierce love, rather than all-consuming guilt and grief. Bleary eyed, she tried to follow Gordon’s story, but gradually succumbed to the warm embrace of sleep.

She woke up early the next morning, the dawn light only just now starting to filter in.

She looked around the room, and was surprised to find that everyone was still here, though each was in a deep sleep. Kleiner was using Lamarr as a makeshift pillow, and Gordon and Barney were leaning back in their chairs, heads resting on top of each other.

She peered out the window - clouds covered the sky, but it didn’t look frightening or menacing. As she continued to look, she realized it had started to snow.

She had seen snow before, of course, but.. This is the first time it hasn’t been met by her with groans of disappointment. There was no urgent traveling that needed to be done that was obstructed by snow, she could just.. Stay here, and watch it. Maybe go out and explore in it, later, if she wanted to. The day was up to her, completely.

The fluffy flakes gently fluttered to the ground, and she allowed it to lull her back into sleep.

When she woke up for the final time, the room was fully light. There was a steaming cup of coffee in her mug again, on the table.

Only Kleiner was still in the small break room, he was looking at something outside.

When he realized she was awake, he pointed at the window, smiling gently. She followed his finger, and saw Gordon and Barney throwing balls of snow at each other outside, running around madly.

Gordon ducked behind some bushes and started to make some more snowballs to stockpile, but Barney gathered a pile of snow in his hands and dumped it over Gordon’s head.   
Gordon, in retaliation, took one of the snowballs he created and put it down the back of Barney’s shirt.

She pulled up the chair opposite to Kleiner, and sat down, slowly taking sips of her drink.

“Black Mesa was in a desert; it’s been ages since Gordon last saw snow, you know. As soon as he realized what it was, he rushed outside. I had to remind him to put on a coat before he caught his death out there.” He smiled fondly at them, “It’s good to see.”

“Yeah, Dad always talked about how hot it was in Black Mesa. I remember one day he came home and said to Mom that he was so glad that the dorms had a separate AC system to the labs - he’d had to work all day in thirty degree heat. The very next day, the dorm’s AC system broke, too.”

Kleiner smiled. “I remember that.” He took a deep breath, and turned to her, his eyes downcast with emotion, “Alyx, dear.. Your father and I worked together for a long time. I have plenty of stories about the various antics we got up to back in the day, if you ever want to hear some.” His voice cracked slightly, though his eyes shone with fondness and memories, “He loved you very much, more than anything else. Of this, I have no doubt.”

Alyx’s eyes stung with emotion. She got up, and gave Dr Kleiner a hug. She was taller than him, now, but it felt just as warm and welcoming as when she was little.

“Thank you.” she told him, genuinely.

He straightened his glasses.

“Now. I have never seen how Lamarr reacts to such a chill, would you like to head out with me, soon?”

~~~

The following night, when the shadows in her room felt heavy again, she got up, and retraced her steps to that same break room.

Kleiner, Barney, and Gordon were all there, and a cup was already set out for her.

She took a place on the couch, the same one as last time.

“So,” Gordon began, smiling conspiratorially, “Did you know about that time I accidentally exploded Magnusson’s casserole?”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading!! all the comments and kudos mean so much to me every time i get the little (1) on my inbox i am riding that high for the rest of the day, let me tell you  
> let me know what you thought, and have a wonderful day!! <3 :-)


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